Susan Ward
March 7, 2018
Nine months ago, I lost a child. His name is Rader; he was 15; he died by suicide. You can't imagine what these nine months have been like for me. And that's exactly why I'm writing this piece for you. The idea of trying to interact with me or someone else who has suffered a loss probably unnerves you. But grieving people are everywhere and impossible to avoid, so let's discuss some strategies for these uncomfortable interactions, preparing you for next time someone you care about loses a loved one.
We as a society and as individuals are terrible at responding to someone experiencing grief. We don't know what to say. We don't know what to do. We don't want to make the person sadder and we don't want to make the situation worse. So often, paralyzed by our fear of being wrong, we default to saying nothing, doing nothing. I want to urge you to take the risk and reach out to the person you care about who has lost a loved one. I have some specific suggestions to help you.
First, in offering comfort to someone in grief, you have to let perfectionism go. Look at it this way: You are not going to be able to say something to them that fixes their situation. Do you never know the right words? That's just fine, because the perfect words of comfort do not exist. You can't take the hurt away. You can't cure your friend of their grief. So let that go. Don't listen to the voice saying that nothing you do will make a difference. It is true that you can't erase their grief. But there is so much you can do that is helpful.
You can be thoughtful. You can choose a condolence card that is meaningful to you and doesn't contradict the griever's own beliefs, if you are aware of them (and if you aren't, maybe it's best to stay more neutral). You can send flowers or a plant. We loved those, and I still feel joy every day from nurturing the potted plants we were given. You can think of and follow through on acts of service for the person. Early on, just do something. Later in grief, ask what will help (at first it can be overwhelming for the grieving person to have to direct you on how to help them).
Let me go back to talk about very early grief for a moment. Here are some things that made a real difference to us in the early hours and days after losing our son. If you are close to the newly bereaved person, go see them as soon as you can. Remember, you don't have to say the perfect thing. Just be there. Hug them, if they would like a hug. "I'm so sorry," is almost always an appropriate thing to say. Those friends who showed up at our house — first thing in the morning after the night my son died — gave me hope, just by their appearing.
If you happen to be one of the first people to arrive at the house, look around for things that need to be done. In most cases, there soon will be quite a few people going in and out, in the days following the loss. Help make the house ready for those visitors. Clean a bathroom, straighten the kitchen, make room in the refrigerator and freezer. If family may be coming to stay, ask if there's anything you can do to get the guest room ready: change the sheets, or vacuum the floors. Remember it's possible the bereaved person may feel possessive about some of these tasks. As someone who actually enjoys doing laundry, I had to put a sign on my washer saying that I find laundry therapeutic, and please leave it for me to do myself. But I wasn't resentful of whomever it was that had tried to lift the laundry burden from me. Your grieving friend may or may not feel up to interacting with you, but they care that you're there.
If you arrive after those preparatory things have been done, bring food. Often the bereaved person doesn't feel much like eating. Something easy to "pick at," like a fruit and cheese platter, can be a great choice. We also received an Edible Arrangement, which was pretty, delicious, and reasonably healthful (some of the fruit was chocolate covered, but it was still fruit!). A deli tray made it easy to make a sandwich when we felt up to having one. Remember you are probably not feeding just the family that has had the loss. Many of their guests will have a snack or meal while visiting, as well.
Also in those early days, think through practical matters you might accomplish for the bereaved. When my son died, he had upcoming appointments with the dentist and eye doctor. Understandably, I was in no shape to call those offices to tell them to cancel the appointment because he was dead. One of my friends made those calls for me. We had college orientation scheduled for our other child, that needed to be postponed. A friend on the college staff took care of that for me, and another friend cancelled our hotel reservation. So ask your grieving friend if there are any phone calls you can make for them. There might also be people they want informed of the death, but don't feel up to calling.
When the time comes for the visitation and funeral or memorial service, always attend. (Unless you're one of the people staying behind at the house to have the space and food ready for the crowds that arrive after the service. That was a HUGE help!) Make sure your name is legible when you sign the guest book. And if there's any chance the family won't know who you are, write a brief explanatory note in the book. There are a few names in our son's guest book we can't read, and a few we can read but not identify. We wish we knew who those unknown people were, who cared enough for us and Rader to come to his service.
When you go through the receiving line, remember again that there's no perfect thing to say. One great thing you can say is the name of the person who has died. If you have a memory of that person you'd like to share, do so, either in person there if you can without holding up the line too much, or written in a card. But even if you didn't know them (many of the people at Rader's service knew us much better than they knew him), it still delights the ears of the bereaved to hear the name of their loved one. And it doesn't have to be the deepest, most thoughtful thing ever said. "I know you will miss Rader so much," is fine.
Understand that probably beginning the day after the service, the hubbub in the house is going to subside, friends and family who have traveled from out of town will return home, and the bereaved person may feel suddenly alone. Check in with them. See if they'd like to share a meal with you (they may still have a full refrigerator and need your help!). Tell them you are thinking of them. Ask if you can do a chore or an errand for or with them. There may even be cleanup still to help with, following the exodus of the crowds.
To help your grieving friend, keep reminding yourself that there is no "right thing" to say or do that will solve the problem. Grief is not a problem to be solved. It is something the person must learn how to integrate into life as it goes on. Knowing that there's not a secret right answer should free you to just follow your heart and be kind and present for them. (There ARE some things you could say that make the person feel worse. Google "what not to say to a grieving person" for tips about that.)
Be patient with them. And again, after some time has passed (weeks, months), ask them how specifically you can support them in their ongoing grief. Maybe they want to look at pictures of their loved one with you, and cry together. Maybe they want to go out with you to a funny movie and laugh again. Maybe there are tasks related to the loss they need to accomplish but are having trouble making progress with. Ask what you can do to meet needs that may not be obvious.
Truth is, we are all going to suffer loss. Let's stop feeling awkward about how to respond to it.
